Losing People

People leave. That is something that I have become accustomed to happening. I've only ever had one friend that has stuck by me through everything and she means the absolute world to me, I should probably tell her that really. I've had a lot of people that I've let leave or that I have pushed away before that happens because I fear it happening. I think I've probably done the latter more. I'm kind of a loner, I don't play well with others for long periods of time. Yet some people stay by my side anyway so maybe if you don't go away or I refuse to push you away does that mean you are meant to be in my life?
I'm kind of a believer in fate, I believe that everything happens for one reason or another. Maybe you came into my life to teach me a lesson or give me support just when I needed it most. Maybe I was put in your life for those or other reasons. If people leave, or you leave them maybe you just weren't supposed to be together, as friends or otherwise. And if you are supposed to be together fate will find a way to put the two of you back together again. Whatever fate is, whether it is this all consuming force controlling the world or something inside you that makes you do something for whatever reason you think up. If its fate, it is meant to be.
Whatever happens, it happened for a reason.

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It's all in your head

I don't know what it is inside my head, inside my brain. I don't know what caused it, I don't even know what 'it' is in the first place. I don't have a name for it, I have an idea but no solid conclusion. It goes, then comes back, it's never been as bad as back then but it hasn't been great. Is it bad enough to do anything about it yet? But if I do nothing will it get that bad again?
I can manage on my own, I've dealt with it for years. Happy, sad, and back again, maybe even elated. Then bam! I'm at the bottom of a dark dark ocean, on my own and I have no one helping me back out again. There is no light at the bottom of the ocean. Suddenly, the light beams down upon me and lifts me out of the ocean back to the surface. I can't see the beach, I'm in the middle of the ocean struggling to stay up but right now I'm up in the light and I really don't want to start sinking again. Eventually my arms and legs will give way though, the light will go again at some point. The best thing is that it will come back eventually too.

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Free

I want to be free. I don't think I've ever wanted anything more than to feel and be free. I realise that it is somewhat an impossible feat these days but that is what I want. I want to be free to love and live and be who I am. Society traps us and makes us feel as though being free will never be an option. The people around us can trap us and do the same. The trick to being free is not caring what society or what other people think. If those thoughts of 'are they laughing at me' or 'they won't like me if...' plague everybody I'm sure. I'm getting better at blocking those things out and I do feel more free than I have ever felt before.
There are a lot of things that have allowed me to feel free. I moved out, I open love animation and Disney and fight for that love. I wear whatever I want to wear. I like myself (controversial I know but crucial I think). I can't be bothered to please people anymore and that realisation has helped me just so much more than I ever thought it would. I can't be bothered to bow down and allow people to trample on me anymore. In order to be free I cannot let myself be tied down by other peoples standards for what I should be doing. I'm doing what I want to do, and I feel more free than ever before.

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feeling numb

I feel numb
I have emotion but it is dull
It just doesn't burn like it is supposed to
I feel happy but it's subdued
I haven't felt like this in a long time
I didn't want it to come back
I can fake a smile
It isn't hard
I've had an awful lot of practice after all

I'm not sure

I don't know what I'm doing, which concerns me.
All my life I've had a plan but now I'm not sure
There are a lot of paths that I could take and I don't know which one to pick
I've changed a lot, since I last had a plan
I don't know how much it suits me anymore
I like the idea of having a plan but I just have an end-point of where I want to be,
and what I want to be doing with my life.
Right now, I don't know
I'm nineteen,
I think I'm allowed to just be having fun,
and not know what I'm going to be doing in the future.

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All that matters

Does it really matter? Surely it doesn't. There are bigger things in the world that deserve your concern. Surely, even if that didn't matter as long as I'm happy shouldn't you as my friend be happy? I'm just unsure of how it is all so bad. I'm an adult, I can make my own decisions, yes I'm aware I sound like a Disney princess moments before she throws herself onto an objet to begin crying. But it is true.
I just don't understand how it concerns you. I'm not even sure I'm sorry.

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Make it happen

I don't know what to say
I'm a really an old romantic
I have images of us stuck in my head
that you could never think of
I build myself up to think something,
something that I am very aware shall not happen

Even if I told you, I'm not entirely sure that you would make it happen
Maybe I should make it happen
If it's something that I really truly desire
Why should I wait for you?

With you

Alone, no
With you, yes.

I can't quite explain it
Feeling alone when with a person is a feeling.
A feeling I have come to know and be used to
Not feeling alone with you is strange
It makes me think
maybe, just maybe this is something
but this is fun
It's just fun
It's not allowed to be something
but is it even though we try so hard for it not to be?

Are we in the same place?
I'm afraid to ask
It will make things awkward
you know, if we're in different places
and we discuss the different places
It will end

I don't want it to end,
it's such fun to not feel alone.

This place

A place for random thoughts that I can't say to the people that I want to. A place for the angry, the love sick, the hopeless romantic, the sad words that travel through my brain. This tiny page on the internet is for that. I don't know what else this could be for. I love to write and figure that rather than just talking to myself in the mirror I could write it down as I do so. 

This place is here to keep me from going insane.

writers procrastination

Always writing but never finishing anything. Constant ideas and yet nothing is complete. What is a girl to do with this? Not so much writers block as it is a mix writers overactivity and writers procrastination (if that isn't a thing can I make it a thing?). So many scenes, can they go together? hey, that's a good idea.

do you think about me?

Do you ever think about me?
Like one day in the middle of the week,
when you're bored at work.
Do you think about what I'm doing?

Just wondering,
Do you ever just wonder about me?
Do you ever just picture me,
next to you
like we were the other week
when we didn't get out of bed until four in the afternoon?

It's been a while since we spoke
Since we saw each others faces
on the screens of separate iPhones

Its been even longer since we saw each other faces
without the help of technology

Does this wonderment show how little a way we have come?
I could call and ask,
I could message and ask.
But that would be weird, that would be clingy.

And yet, probably only 70 years ago that could have been romantic,
and expected, to an extent
and of course I'm only guessing.

But I was just wondering if you think about me.

Royally Screwed

I woke up this morning to discover that the united kingdom is not a part of the EU any longer and is certainly not united. This decision has screwed this country over so hard its ridiculous. The worth of the pound has dropped the most it has in thirty years. Scotland want another referendum. London wants to be a separate state to the rest of the country. It's ridiculous. Can I just run away to Canada or Australia now because I don't want to be part of a country that has become so hate filled and fearful! Just disappointed to call myself English.
You know your country made the wrong decision when Donald Trump thinks you made the right decision! I have never wanted to be a part of a different nation more than I have upon finding out the news this morning. The Youth of this county have been screwed over by the elderly, or so the polls suggest. This is a mistake that cannot be undone. It is a mistake that we shall have to live with, y'know until we all leave this hate filled island for good. Screw Britannia.

Cruel?

A silver back Gorilla has been shot in the US. Outrage has obviously ensued because it was not his fault and from all the clips it seems as though the Gorilla was not attempting to hurt the boy but simply protect him from the crowds of people. The shooting of this Gorilla was unjust but honestly the holding of him in a small pit where hundreds of people gawk at him at all hours of the day was also just as unjust. If you are against animal cruelty in anyway then you simply cannot be comfortable with the idea of that Gorilla being in there in the first place.

Ok, so this was cruel and unjust but he was only one Gorilla. (Yes, I did just say that but I have a point I promise.) All day, everyday millions of animals are sent to their deaths. Some of these animals are only babies, tiny calfs that just days before had been torn away from their mother so that humans can drink the milk that she made for him. A holocaust has been going on for years and has been accepted for years! This holocaust is caused by humans that feel the need to eat the rotting carcasses of fellow animals.

For whatever reason that people, possibly you reading this, thinks this is ok is deranged! Especially if you are one of the many, many people getting angry and upset over the death of this gorilla. It's the same thing people, get you f-ing heads around that!

A fresher no longer

One can no longer refer to me as a fresher. I have officially finished my first year at the University of Gloucestershire and I have to say I loved every single second of it. 

ok, ok, every single second may be a stretch as there were an awful lot of times in experimental cinema where I very much wished for it to be over but I didn't want this year to end, just that class. 

I have no work, just paid work and free time on my hands to do as I wish for the next three months. Not going to lie I feel kind of lost. What do I do now? I have all this time suddenly where I have no assignments, no weekly readings, not even some pressing question put forth in class that I never got to answer and get to think about for hours after the class finished. 

What to do, what to do? This is the question I pose to myself. I could attempt to go every which way on the train or maybe see every film that is on at the cinema (maybe even The Angry Birds Movie, because gosh darn it the animation is so gorgeous I do have to say that). But what if I manage to do all that before I even go back to the home county and spend two miserable months there forever wishing to be back in cheltenham living my free adult life. There will always be new films that I can see but I'll miss the people in cheltenham. The new friendships I've made since September, and closer dates than that. What am I going to do with my summer, apart from work?

I just don't want to spend my summer alone in my room doing bugger all with my free time. I think that is the first time ever I have said that and meant it with all my heart.

Nineteen Years Young

Nineteen years is how long it has taken for me to feel confident with my body.

Nineteen years is how long it has taken for me to become Vegan.

Nineteen years on this earth and I haven't accomplished much. I have only ever had one job, I had pretty average grades throughout school and had 'typical' teenage problems that apparently everyone goes through for some reason or another. 

Nineteen years and I know that as of this moment I am happy. I am at University having the time of my life. I am finally able to be full nerd when talking about what I love and have people understand and actually argue about it with me which no one ever did before. I am happy with my body, and confident in who I am because I think I finally know who that is. Not only that but I think I know who I am meant to be when I finish what I'm doing after everything. 

Right now I know that I am Nineteen, blonde, blue eyed, five feet and 8 inches tall. I know that I love film with all my heart and Disney even more than that. I know I'm slightly crazy but who wants to be sane really? I'm big headed and I know that I'm awesome. I'm Vegan. Most Importantly I'm happy and healthy, and finally confident enough to know who I am and be that person. Happy Birthday to me.

Being Vegan

I have recently gone Vegan and whenever it has been brought up I get asked questions or kind of judged for it. Recently I have been told how badly it shall effect my health (even though I don't think I have ever felt as happy and healthy as I do now, on this lifestyle).
It's really simple to be honest, just don't eat any animal products whatsoever. Then everyone and their mother is suddenly concerned about your health and where you are getting your protein from or the never ending list of vitamins that I apparently will be deficient of any day now. Again, I simply say that I have never felt so happy and healthy in my entire life. In which then roll on the many questions about random animal products that I surprisingly that I don't miss, like bacon (which I honestly can't actually remember the taste of). I really thought that I would miss cheese but I don't even think about it. For the most part I didn't like it anyway (for example, I hate eggs) and when I did enjoy the product I couldn't stand the background thoughts that I had about where the product came from.

I am Vegan for the Soul, for the Planet and very lastly for my Body. I can't be happy eating animal products like milk whilst knowing the pain and suffering that the animal went through when she had her calf taken away from her shortly after its birth. The meat and dairy industry is worse for the environment than all the car emissions that are released into the atmosphere are and ever will be at this rate. Finally, I repeat, that I have never felt so happy and healthy in my entire life than I do right now on a vegan lifestyle!

Try it, take the pledge and be Vegan for 30 days and see how amazing you feel in every aspect of your life. For every Vegan one animal's life can be saved. Make a difference. Be the change that you want to see in the world.

Helpful sites:
http://www.peta.org.uk/living/stop-supporting-cruelty-go-vegan/ - PETA, obviously, probably the best site for all you would want to know about going Vegan from why to recipes to even where to shop.

Find me over here, on these nifty web pages:

Twitter: https://twitter.com/GalaxySearcher

Instagram: https://instagram.com/bethgalaxysearcher/

Bloglovin': https://www.bloglovin.com/people/bethgalaxysearcher-13979595

Check out my second blog here: http://thisisamysterytome.blogspot.co.uk/