Losing People

People leave. That is something that I have become accustomed to happening. I've only ever had one friend that has stuck by me through everything and she means the absolute world to me, I should probably tell her that really. I've had a lot of people that I've let leave or that I have pushed away before that happens because I fear it happening. I think I've probably done the latter more. I'm kind of a loner, I don't play well with others for long periods of time. Yet some people stay by my side anyway so maybe if you don't go away or I refuse to push you away does that mean you are meant to be in my life?
I'm kind of a believer in fate, I believe that everything happens for one reason or another. Maybe you came into my life to teach me a lesson or give me support just when I needed it most. Maybe I was put in your life for those or other reasons. If people leave, or you leave them maybe you just weren't supposed to be together, as friends or otherwise. And if you are supposed to be together fate will find a way to put the two of you back together again. Whatever fate is, whether it is this all consuming force controlling the world or something inside you that makes you do something for whatever reason you think up. If its fate, it is meant to be.
Whatever happens, it happened for a reason.

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It's all in your head

I don't know what it is inside my head, inside my brain. I don't know what caused it, I don't even know what 'it' is in the first place. I don't have a name for it, I have an idea but no solid conclusion. It goes, then comes back, it's never been as bad as back then but it hasn't been great. Is it bad enough to do anything about it yet? But if I do nothing will it get that bad again?
I can manage on my own, I've dealt with it for years. Happy, sad, and back again, maybe even elated. Then bam! I'm at the bottom of a dark dark ocean, on my own and I have no one helping me back out again. There is no light at the bottom of the ocean. Suddenly, the light beams down upon me and lifts me out of the ocean back to the surface. I can't see the beach, I'm in the middle of the ocean struggling to stay up but right now I'm up in the light and I really don't want to start sinking again. Eventually my arms and legs will give way though, the light will go again at some point. The best thing is that it will come back eventually too.

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Free

I want to be free. I don't think I've ever wanted anything more than to feel and be free. I realise that it is somewhat an impossible feat these days but that is what I want. I want to be free to love and live and be who I am. Society traps us and makes us feel as though being free will never be an option. The people around us can trap us and do the same. The trick to being free is not caring what society or what other people think. If those thoughts of 'are they laughing at me' or 'they won't like me if...' plague everybody I'm sure. I'm getting better at blocking those things out and I do feel more free than I have ever felt before.
There are a lot of things that have allowed me to feel free. I moved out, I open love animation and Disney and fight for that love. I wear whatever I want to wear. I like myself (controversial I know but crucial I think). I can't be bothered to please people anymore and that realisation has helped me just so much more than I ever thought it would. I can't be bothered to bow down and allow people to trample on me anymore. In order to be free I cannot let myself be tied down by other peoples standards for what I should be doing. I'm doing what I want to do, and I feel more free than ever before.

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feeling numb

I feel numb
I have emotion but it is dull
It just doesn't burn like it is supposed to
I feel happy but it's subdued
I haven't felt like this in a long time
I didn't want it to come back
I can fake a smile
It isn't hard
I've had an awful lot of practice after all